I feel so lost....................................................
9:04pm, nice night
As time goes by, i feel more and more lost. Ever since i'm left alone, again, its like i'm back where i first started. Some parts tell me that i'm fine and that i've moved on, another part tells me that i'm so sad, so depressed. Aww...Its so hard. Honestly, he became part of my new life. Coaching him to accomodate with his life, learning to accept his parents, trying to change his ways, me accomodating to his life, accepting the fact that i was like that the last time...and the list goes on and on. I was suppose to meet Dean just now. But i couldn't bring myself to see anyone. I tot that mummy was going to be home alone, so i came home after work. But it turned out that she went for NDP training. So i'm left all alone now, feeling even worst than before. Shucks!
I told myself to do prayers, but of cos 'Sanshoshima' got the better of me! The 'evil' side of my mind tells me to not waste time praying. But i have to...i just have to. I'm in so many different types of dilemma now. And i really need help. But of cos i won't tell mummy abt it. I don't wan her to worry for me. Heidi went for camp and should be coming home anytime soon. Kinda miss her too. She's growing up so fast, getting more and more mature. But sometimes i still feel that she's still my little baby gal. Was talking to Keegan Kor just now while on the way home. I felt slightly better cos it seems that some part of Kor's life is some wat similar to mine, in terms of guiding siblings and so on. So far, Kor is the only coincidental one who will alwiz call me when i needed someone to talk to. When he had hard times, i was there for him, and now vice versa. Thanks a lot Kor. Owe u big time i guess. His life changed ever since we manage to pull him back into our family. Love him lots. Alwiz wanted an elder bro. And he is one hell of a good one too. Sometimes when i'm out, he'll call and ask my whereabouts. And damn sweet of him to even offer to pick me up if so happens we're going the same place. He even ask me out for lunches too. Hehehe~ Owe him one lunch date so far.
I just suddenly realise that nothing is more important to me than my whole family. Mummy, Heidi, May Jie, Joy, Pearl, Keegan Kor, Bryce, Kevin, Ryan, Joey, Peony, Iris, Hazel, Angie, all my Ah Yi, all my Uncles, my grandparents in M'sia, Jie Joanna, Jie Jessica, Ah Jon, Papa, Mummy...all these ppl are so important in my life. I dunno what i'd do without them. Haha, come to think of it, Steven called me last night. Was so nice to hear his voice again. Kinda shock to me though, but yeah...it was nice. Miss him lots though. Still quite a spender, but other than that, (*if u're reading this Steven, i'm waiting for my Mini Ipod ya...??*) Wahahaha...
I love my family so much. I miss my Papa even more. How i wish Papa was still ard. Sometimes i can feel his presence, like someone's watching over me. And i know he is. That's why i'm leading my life so well now. =) Heidi is all i've got, and taking care of Mummy & Heidi is my responsibility. I will, with all my life, take care of the both of them with all my abilities. That is all i can do. And that is one reason why i'm hesitant on going to Australia. Argh, damn!! Well, that's why i'm going to devote my life to Kosenrufu, accumulate good fortune. And someday, Gohonzon will arrange my path of mission for me. Well, i really hope so.
